The Hardest Thing

Today, I was blindsided by my 3 1/2 year old self. You see, when I was prying my 6 year old son off me, he was screaming “I don’t want to leave daddy!” and I was taken back to when I was 3 1/2. That is when, as far as I can recall, my mom and dad split. I really don’t remember what happened, but I was hit by a wave of emotion. From way back in the peanut gallery of my past selves. Abandonment, fear, pain, sadness. Uselessness. A feeling of things spiraling out of my control.

What can you tell him, other then “it will be ok”, even though you know from the emotional roller coaster you’re feeling 38 1/2 years later, that it’s not going to get better. That it will get different, but different is not always better.

The hardest thing was walking away from him today. Knowing that it was not my choice. Knowing that he would blame me. Knowing that I would give almost anything to have him back, but there was nothing that I could do but walk away.

Seeing my self walking away through my 3 1/2 year old eyes.

3 thoughts on “The Hardest Thing”

  1. Thanks guys;

    I will stay in touch – and FaceTime et al does make it so much easier. He's a smart gipper for sure, and I think that he is more aware then he lets on.

    Thanks for the thoughts!

  2. The best remedy, I believe, is to be sure to stay in touch with him. With today’s technology this will be easier then when we were younger. Back when my parents split, I had little contact with my dad. He tried, but it’s just never the same as being there daily. With the case of my daughters and my current divorce situation, my ex and I keep in close touch with our daughters through texting and Facebook. Without this ability I’m certain that my daughters would have felt the same loss as we did. AJ’s a little chip off the old block, literally, and once he can become fully wired, you’ll be able to increase your closeness to him. Not much to offer, I know, but it’s a least a little something positive to think about.

  3. you definitely had the worse day… and i'm sorry for your pain…I feel bad for all the good dads out there who want to be dads… I unfortunately married 2 of the other kind… but the new one is a good one… and there will be a time when you hopefully can explain and show your son how much you love him and always have. HUGS

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