Today, I was blindsided by my 3 1/2 year old self. You see, when I was prying my 6 year old son off me, he was screaming “I don’t want to leave daddy!” and I was taken back to when I was 3 1/2. That is when, as far as I can recall, my mom and dad split. I really don’t remember what happened, but I was hit by a wave of emotion. From way back in the peanut gallery of my past selves. Abandonment, fear, pain, sadness. Uselessness. A feeling of things spiraling out of my control.
What can you tell him, other then “it will be ok”, even though you know from the emotional roller coaster you’re feeling 38 1/2 years later, that it’s not going to get better. That it will get different, but different is not always better.
The hardest thing was walking away from him today. Knowing that it was not my choice. Knowing that he would blame me. Knowing that I would give almost anything to have him back, but there was nothing that I could do but walk away.
Seeing my self walking away through my 3 1/2 year old eyes.